You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.