Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I pray every night that I never become religious…
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what