ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My retirement plan is to become a cat.