You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
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There are usually two types of merchants.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.