People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Hey i am sexy to you now
The future is now.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”