Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.