What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Did…did a minotaur write this
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket