It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)