My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes