I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Reporter: *ports again*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
craving $300 all of a sudden
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.