Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
You Might Also Like
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I have a black belt in leather
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”