Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
You Might Also Like
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.