I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Whoa 😂
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.