[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.