How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich