Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
🤭😂
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Try and stop me.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes