Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’m confused about plants
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Oh deer