I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m already scared
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills