[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
wut hotdog?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!