It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Oh hi lol
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck