Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then