[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’m aging like a fine banana
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.