11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Smells like a challenge to me
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.