“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
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Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Haha good job!!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
birds and squirrels envy us
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber