Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Just grow your own
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.