Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
real
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
this could fix me
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.