[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”