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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
That time Alicia messaged me
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective