I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
You Might Also Like
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.