Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?