Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
There is wisdom there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.