It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
You Might Also Like
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.