*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
this is so top tier i cant
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice