Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.