-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.