Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge