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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes