Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
our love story in four pictures
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess