Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Are we there yet?…
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.