If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore