Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”