I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You Might Also Like
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches