Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.