If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
philosophical skeletons be like