Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.