A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
congratulations to them
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.