And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*