Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
You can’t outrun your problems…
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.