the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.