People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
The days of good grammer has went
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”